"When we get hung up on on self-pity we fail because we're addicted to guilt."





EDIT: Maybe we can make this thread not so much about me, but about these words in general. What do you have to say about this perceived cycle of addiction? Your experiences with it?




Devin's words have been knockin' around in my head lately. The short version of the story is that I failed myself and the person that I love most in this world...I failed because I relapsed.

About a week ago I smoked weed for the first time in...around three months. This drug has been in and out of my life since I was about 9 or 10. That's half my life. In a few hours I plan on going to my first (voluntary) meeting.


Would anyone like to comment? Tell a story? Shoot the shit? It's funny, actually...not too long ago I posted thread about relapse dreams and now here I am. I guess this is it. This is the simple truth. I'm an addict. I need to build a foundation. I need to get in touch with the people and things that keep me being ME. Being the best possible version of myself.

Truthfully THC and marijuana have no addictive properties, but you can build a physical dependency on it. I have a friend who had started to get a dependency but cut himself off. Now he doesnt smoke nearly as much. When I started smoking it I only did it on the weekends to keep it in check, then I lost my job and had to stop all together to find a new job (which hasnt been a very successful search so far)

I dont know man, mainly just learn to live without it, try to find something else to consume your time (video games, read some books, watch some movies, learn an instrument if you dont know one already)

It's easy enough to fall off any wagon. You don't have to beat yourself up about it or make a drama out of a crisis.
Just put on your big girl's panties, dust yourself off and don't make the same mistake again the next day or the day after. Life is all just one day at a time.

^ What he said, about living for today.

I could wax on about my recovery and such for about 10 pages of this thread, but everyone knows my story I think. If you want to talk, PM me. I have been clean for 19 months, and have previous experience in the program. I can tell you this: My life has been FULL of miracles in the last year and a half, and I have accomplished things I never thought possible. You have completed the first step: "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives have become unmanageable."

Keep the faith...

I can tell you this: My life has been FULL of miracles in the last year and a half, and I have accomplished things I never thought possible.

This is the thing that gets me. Are the miracles worth it? It's a theme that runs round and round in my head. Some things take up your time so much, and the thought of not having them around makes me feel nervous - I feel like getting rid of them would make my life seem somewhat vacuous. I suppose I can't see anything past what occupies me NOW. Ah, I don't know. This isn't a personal dig, please don't take it as such. I'm having a bad night.

I can tell you this: My life has been FULL of miracles in the last year and a half, and I have accomplished things I never thought possible.

This is the thing that gets me. Are the miracles worth it? It's a theme that runs round and round in my head. Some things take up your time so much, and the thought of not having them around makes me feel nervous - I feel like getting rid of them would make my life seem somewhat vacuous. I suppose I can't see anything past what occupies me NOW. Ah, I don't know. This isn't a personal dig, please don't take it as such. I'm having a bad night.

Just remember that things won't always be the way they are at this moment. For better or worse, things change. If you are having a crappy day, just know they won't all be crappy in the future! Also, you are the only one who can do anything to help change it.

I can tell you this: My life has been FULL of miracles in the last year and a half, and I have accomplished things I never thought possible.

This is the thing that gets me. Are the miracles worth it? It's a theme that runs round and round in my head. Some things take up your time so much, and the thought of not having them around makes me feel nervous - I feel like getting rid of them would make my life seem somewhat vacuous. I suppose I can't see anything past what occupies me NOW. Ah, I don't know. This isn't a personal dig, please don't take it as such. I'm having a bad night.

Just remember that things won't always be the way they are at this moment. For better or worse, things change. If you are having a crappy day, just know they won't all be crappy in the future! Also, you are the only one who can do anything to help change it.

Yeah, things change, but they stay the same on the whole! And as for me being the only one who is able to change things, it comes back to the question of whether I really want them to, that whole thing about filling up my life and such. If I find things to replace it all with, it feels like I'm just ignoring it all. Forgive my ramblings, it's sort of like.. the only thing I have to do right now.

Hmm. I didn't want to paste up a huge story on the first post of this thread, but I kinda wish I did so that people would have a better grasp on exactly what I'm feeling...but I thank all of you for your input, regardless of its message. The reason this hit me so hard is that I'm in love with the person with whom I truly believe I will spend my life and have children. Months ago she and I spoke and almost fought in a way when my addiction came out (it's not a use-every-day type of addiction or even every week...it's more like I turn to it when I feel a certain pain or emptiness) and we both had very strong feelings against it. For the last week the relationship has been amazing, better than it ever was in the past. But I spoke with a different friend and it reminded me that I'd relapsed and hadn't told her since it had happened about a week before. So all that time that we had together...it's like I was stealing it from her. I was taking part in that love while keeping a secret that would break her heart. And it did. Her reaction was just what I knew it would be. I knew it would tear her apart. That's why I forced it into a hiding place in my mind, because I didn't want to spring that pain upon her.


But me typing all that really just looks like I'm trying to cover my ass when people are telling me that I need to man up and stop being a little bitch about it. Sure, that's right. I really have. I made bigger changes in my life in the past two days than I have in...the past four years, perhaps? Ever? The things I've done now have directly affected every aspect of my life because they submerge me in a pool of high frequencies...good vibes. Bringing it all home. All the little things and the big things. For once I can say that I am working on it. And I'll tell anyone. There's no more need or point in keeping it quiet. I'm facing the day.

If this is seriously about pot, you need to buy your girl a book and show her that pot is a plant. It's not chemically refined. If you don't like it, ignore it. The point is... pot isn't the problem.

No offence intended but it is really that simple.

Of course pot isn't the problem. My head is the problem.

If I understand you right, I'm guessing the problem is trust. I had similar problems and continue to work it out. For years, I would lie to try to 'keep the peace', but to others it created an obvious 'always-okay' front. Either that, or I would lie because I felt I could deal with it myself and would be burdening others if I shared it. With my old girlfriend, I would not always be forth coming about my shame and weaknesses. I was afraid it would disappoint her, and thus hurt our relationship. I didn't trust that she would still love me despite the disappointment.

If you don't trust your significant other and bear your weaknesses, then your relationship will be hollow and, in time, become a joyless burden. I guess, you have to see that being honest will suck in the moment, but will make things so much better in the future. It's all a matter of faith and trust, but then again, everything worthwhile in life is.

Eesh...it's hard for me to look at this thread. When I made it my head was really stuck in that place, and it was bringing me down, down, down....


Thanks to all for your input. All is well.

Ok. I hate this "being powerless" shite. Obsessing over your addiction is only giving it more power.
I also hate that someone else is making you feel guilty about an addiction that you are probably kicking yourself in the ass for anyway. Guilt only gives it more power.
You are not an addict just because someone tells you you are. You may have a problem, yes.
"Addict for life" blahblahblah. My addiction was causing me pain, now I want to continue to relive that pain? No thanks.
I say focus on what makes you feel good, what feels like YOU.
I love being sober, because I love being alive, and that's all it takes for me.
Please, no guilt, powerlessness, or weakness. Just do what you gotta do. Focus on living life.
And do it to the best of your enjoyability!

Ok. I hate this "being powerless" shite. Obsessing over your addiction is only giving it more power.
I also hate that someone else is making you feel guilty about an addiction that you are probably kicking yourself in the ass for anyway. Guilt only gives it more power.
You are not an addict just because someone tells you you are. You may have a problem, yes.
"Addict for life" blahblahblah. My addiction was causing me pain, now I want to continue to relive that pain? No thanks.
I say focus on what makes you feel good, what feels like YOU.
I love being sober, because I love being alive, and that's all it takes for me.
Please, no guilt, powerlessness, or weakness. Just do what you gotta do. Focus on living life.
And do it to the best of your enjoyability!

So, you're saying an addict is better off thinking that he has power over his addiction? Lemme tell you from experience, the moment that happens is the first day of the rest of a miserable life. That is, if you are truly an addict. Powerlessness is really a way of gaining power, because by admitting it, your addiction has no way of lying to you. Some people just haven't hit a low enough bottom, and some people have different bottoms. Some people never do anything harder than pot. The harder the drug, the lower the bottom. Catch my drift? This disease will deceive you. Don't let it.

So, you're saying an addict is better off thinking that he has power over his addiction? Lemme tell you from experience, the moment that happens is the first day of the rest of a miserable life. That is, if you are truly an addict. Powerlessness is really a way of gaining power, because by admitting it, your addiction has no way of lying to you. Some people just haven't hit a low enough bottom, and some people have different bottoms. Some people never do anything harder than pot. The harder the drug, the lower the bottom. Catch my drift? This disease will deceive you. Don't let it.[/quote]

You are completely right. I realize I don't possess as much power over this thing as I think I do. I just rebel against prescribed dogma. Even if it might be good for me. I'm a stubborn addict. I like to figure things out for myself. Thank you for your rebuttal. There is wisdom in experience. . . I will agree with that. Much Love.